After submitting the response to the query, I waited. Then I received an email saying that my situation fit closely enough to the article that was being written. The person writing the email asked if she could pass on my name and contact information to the woman who was writing the article. Of course I said yes. So, I waited some more.
Then I received an email from a woman named Jan Goodwin saying she wanted to set up a time to interview me over the phone. I emailed back and set a time for the interview, and waited a little more.
During this period of waiting, I did some research. I was attempting to be slick, and not freak out, that I’d agreed to do the interview. I was so excited, and so terrified. I wanted to find out about this woman I was going to talk to. I wanted to know what she wrote, but also wanted to know where her articles were usually published. I didn’t find out much about her, except that she had written a book called “Price of Honor.” I also found out she’d been published in magazines such as Harper’s Bazaar and New York Magazine. Good, I thought, two magazines I would have to struggle to find and no one I know would ever see.
The day for the interview came. I could hardly concentrate and was afraid I’d sound like a babbling idiot during the interview. When Jan finally called, I answered all her questions and managed not to babble. She talked to me for about half an hour and then asked if I had any questions for her. I told her I wanted to know why she was writing the article. This was a very painful topic and I couldn’t imagine why she would want to get into it. She said, “I’m a human rights author. This is a violation of your human rights.”
I was speechless. I had always thought it was a violation of my rights, but didn’t really think anyone else believed that.
The interview ended very shortly after that and she told me I would be contacted when the article was about to be published. So, I waited some more. This time, it was several months.
Then Jan called me and left a voice mail saying that the article was almost ready to be published, but the people from O Magazine wanted to know if I had any pictures from when I was a child that I would like to include. I listened to the voice mail again. O Magazine. That couldn’t be right. I had heard of that one. O Magazine was everywhere. What had I done? People could potentially see this article. My FAMILY could see the article.
After the shock of that wore off, I responded that yes, of course I wanted to include a picture, but I didn’t have any. That meant I had to tell my mother what I had done. She was less than pleased, but agreed to get a few pictures together from when I was little and send them to O Magazine in New York. I got an email saying the pictures had been received and the article would be published in the October edition of O Magazine and that I would receive a complimentary copy. I found out that the October edition means the magazine will be out at the end of August. Who knew? It came out the first week of October, 2006. (Yes, I have edited this because I got the date wrong.)
I was working with a very good therapist at the time and talking to a lot of friends. Again, I was so excited and so freaked out. Christopher Grundy had given me a book by Mari West Zimmerman entitled “Take and Make Holy.” (The book costs $6. Every survivor and every church should own one.) It was a wonderful book and through the conversations, either Christopher or I suggested that I write a service. It sounded like a wonderful idea and I began to write, as I waited for the article to come out.
There was never an exact date given when I could expect to see it, so I’d make extra trips to Borders to check. The healing service was coming along nicely, people had been invited, plans were being made, and the wait for the article continued.
My sister saw the article before I did. She lives in a small town and it was out at the gas station where she worked before it was out in the stores in St. Louis. I finally found it and sat in the store shaking while I read it. A friend from seminary was with me and I’m glad I wasn’t reading it alone.
It was stunning. It wasn’t that my part of the article was that wonderful, but I felt so free. People could look and see my picture in a magazine in an article about childhood sexual abuse. I felt that all the pieces left inside me might fly apart, but this time, not out of anger and pain, but out of pure kinetic energy and excitement. It was so wonderful to know I wouldn’t die because people knew my secret. For the first time in my memory, I didn’t feel broken. I felt strong and whole. And the Celebration Service was still to come.
Comments received on the old blog:
It was a wonderful experience to break out of the silence. Thanks for your support!
Hi Lynn. Yes, as of this weekend, I have the actual article. Send me your address and I’ll mail you a copy! Thanks for reading!
| Lynn Tolson beyondthetears.blogspot.com
Submitted on 2010/08/30 at 9:44 pm
Jackie, do you have this article available? Good for you for working through your fear to break your silence. Yes, “it” is a violation of human rights!
| Jacki M SeiWell ladyjztalkzone.com
Submitted on 2010/08/25 at 5:46 pm
this was a great thing to read today. It is a wonderful and freeing feeling when we break that grip of “don’t tell” and knowing that you have support is the key for all the years that we lived with it in silence. Way cool!